Self-revelation, not claims to the truth
According to the psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun, every message has four layers:
- fact
- self-disclosure
- relationship
- appeal
A message can operate on any of these layers (or several at once), whether the sender is aware of them or not, and the receiver may interpret the message through any of these lenses. This makes it a great model to explain miscommunication.
An example: "The window is open." On the surface, a simple factual statement. But it contains more. Self-revelation: I'm cold. Relationship: You left it open for too long. Appeal: Close the window. The receiver may hear different things, like "I'm entitled to order you to close the window" (relationship), they might just not hear the appeal at all, or maybe there was never an appeal in the first place.
A path to better conversations
For me, the model has also been helpful in a different type of situation: When I'm in a conversation with someone and we disagree about how the world works. For these kinds of statements, there is usually an implication that we are communicating on the fact level. But while we think we're having a rational discussion about the truth, we're often completely missing what's actually being communicated. Maybe someone's statement about vaccine efficacy isn't really about statistics – but much more an expression of their deep worry about their children's health.
So, instead of focusing on the factual level, I usually think about what the person reveals about themself with a statement. This helps in two ways: It helps to avoid frustrating and pointless discussions where both sides just insist on their stance. And it helps me to walk away with a much more charitable view of someone. Instead of a stubborn knucklehead, I see a human who is worried about their loved ones.
With this approach, there are so many interesting avenues the conversation can go that are not about debating facts. They start with questions like: "It seems to me [this value] is really important to you" or "I see you're worked up, did you have bad experiences with [x]?"
Bonus exercise for the extra inquisitive: Ask yourself why a certain statement triggers a strong response from yourself – what does this reveal about you?